Standing Apart, Gently

Guest post by April W. a COBB Moms Member

The hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world.

– William Ross Wallace

I came to motherhood late. I am 42, with a three-year old son. That is proof, to me, that God has a sense of humor. Apparently, the magic words were, “Aren’t you glad we never had kids?” Two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I have a rare blood disorder that carries an 80% chance of late-term fetal loss. Being an older mother only added to the risk factor. Having lost my only other pregnancy ten years earlier, I became determined to do everything in my power to preserve this one. I began reading everything I could get my hands on, that pertained to my condition. Most of what is known about it has come to light in the last decade. So, most doctors practicing today have little to no understanding of it. I had to strenuously advocate for the proper care. I learned how to read medical studies and created a medical binder. In it, I kept copies of my lab reports and recent studies. I would highlight pertinent areas and not hesitate to whip out a copy to challenge what I believed to be I believe my research, and ability to make a stand for myself, is what enabled me to overcome the odds and deliver my son. He was relatively healthy, but had some chronic issues in his first six months. I put my researcher’s hat back on and became very aggressive in finding out what was causing his issues and how to solve the problems he was having.

I have always had some “strange ideas.” But, it was during this phase that I really departed from conventional parenting. I was already practicing Attachment Parenting, but I began researching nutrition. I cleaned up our diet and started supplementing. I knew that what I was doing was not what the majority was doing, but I was really unprepared for the push back.

The first sign that I might be in for it came when my son was still a baby. I was discussing breastfeeding with a friend at work. Another girl interrupted and asked, with a sneer, how old my son was. I told her he was eleven months old. She said, “I guess that is okay, then. But, you should stop before he gets much older.” I wasn’t offended, as much as I was shocked. What made her think that giving her opinion on this topic was wanted, or even socially appropriate?

A couple of weeks later, I went home to visit my family. A family member tried to give my son some candy. I asked her not to. I explained that to manage his condition, he needed a really strict diet. She exploded. “You cannot expect people to just not give your child candy. That is unreasonable.” That was not an isolated incident, either. Variations of that scene played out, with varying intensity over the next few years.

Don’t you believe in God, since you didn’t circumcise? Aren’t you afraid your son will be scarred because you are still nursing? I can’t believe you are risking your son’s life by not vaccinating! You will spoil him by giving him so much affection. Tsk, tsk.

I found myself on the other side of normal. Well, I’ve never been that “normal,” anyway. I consider the flak to just be the price of being the mother I’m meant to be. I usually have a quick, sharp word for anyone that gets too much in my business.

My sister and I recently had a tense exchange over some “concerns” she has over one of my parenting choices. I was indignant and angry. She has always defended me, so this situation was particularly unpleasant. Upon reflection, I realized that I had damaged my ability to educate and positively influence I later told her that I valued her input, but that these were my decisions to make. I also realized that the gentleness that I was so adamant about in my relationship with my son, I was withholding from her. I am in the middle of launching a business, so I’m pretty tired. I am especially vulnerable to being reactionary when I am feeling worn down.

I know that I am not the only one that faces this type of interaction with concerned family and nosy strangers. No matter what your life decisions are, if it is different from the mainstream, it will be difficult. Standing apart takes courage and stamina. If we do it gently, we can win others over to our way of thinking, and hopefully, turn our culture towards healthier attitudes.

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Here are some ideas that have helped me become gentler with those who confront me. I call these the four B's.

1. Be Strong. Most mothers can easily fall into the trap of giving so much of themselves to their loved ones, that they end up depleted. Remember to invest in your own well-being. Building yourself up enables you to not only care for your family better, but allows you to more easily meet criticism with love and education.

2. Be Happy. It is easy to get overwhelmed by all the potential pitfalls we face. Do what you can and let the rest go. You have to save some energy for joy. You can be an example for others on how to stand apart, but no one is going to want what you have, if what you have is bitterness.

3. Be Calm. There is, of course, time for outrage. But, it is best held in check for special occasions. If you are always outraged, it becomes diluted and loses its power. This can cause you to lose face and the ability to gently influence those around you. It is easy to forget that gentleness works with our children, because gentleness works.

4. Be Social. Make time for other gentle, like-minded parents. It is easy to get worn down when you are the only one around who thinks like you do. Being around others who can encourage you can be a soothing balm to your spirit. Standing apart is much easier when you are standing apart together. Check out our calendar of events...and then go to one. (I’m definitely preaching to myself on this one)

Stay strong. Stay gentle. Love and teach.